Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
