I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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