How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize