i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
