Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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