he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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