Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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