I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
MIDGETS
????
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
