you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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