The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
