Little spoons don't ask big questions
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
