I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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