Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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