my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
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