If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
