Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
