The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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