I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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