I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
