I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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