i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
and she was petting her beer can
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize