there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
