dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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