im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
