Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
