WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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