I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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