In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
