I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize