last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
