don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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