I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize