I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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