you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
