You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
