he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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