The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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