Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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