Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
