I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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