the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
