made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
All I want is dick and wine.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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