you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
