Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
