The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize