On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
