How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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