my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize