no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
