Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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