Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
