I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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