I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
