I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
