Duck Duck Cougar?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
