ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
