Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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