I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
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