yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
