you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Randomize
