I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
